Tuesday, April 25, 2006

a MaYbE state o' mind

Bob sent me down the rabbit hole with the Holy Trinity of Cosmic Trigger, Quantum Psychology, and The New Inquisition.

For the last, oh, seven years or so since I've lived with this general anxiety from being struck by how little I know about what the hell is going on and how "I" ended up here, and where "I" came from, and where "I" will go when this body dies. What am "I" here to do, am "I" on the right path, what should "I" be doing?

I know I could just choose one of the possibilities presented, whether it be the one I rank as highest in probability or the one that's the most fun, but this little voice in the back of my head just goes, "but what if you're wrong?"

One thing I really believe in is this: ANYTHING is possible.

You know how folks say the odds of winning the lottery resemble the odds of being struck by lightning twice? Damn, those are some shitty odds, no way am I throwing my money away on lottery tickets. But on the other hand, people ARE winning the lottery, every week, somewhere, right? I mean, it happens.

So sometimes I sit and contemplate, "What would you do, Min, if Jesus DID show up on the news tomorrow? What if all that fire and brimstone shit happened?" I sit with it and just think, well, if it does happen, no amount of me doing or trying to believe differently about Christianity would have saved my ass, Jesus would see through it all and yell "Nonbeliever!" and toss me into some fiery pit.

So then, when presented with the option to choose, out of all these possibilities, what would I like to invest my energies in?

I sometimes find myself overwhelmed by the sheer number of options to consider. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I feel small. Sometimes I just laugh my ass off.

I still say, even after 7 years of general disorientation, it sure beats bein' a Pink.

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